Let me start with the postscript: I had almost all of this typed last (Saturday) night when my brand-new, less-than-two-hours old Acer chromebook quit working entirely--ctrl-alt-del did nothing, turning it off did nothing, closing the screen, pulling the plug, ditto, ditto. I suspect I should have spent the extra fifty to get the same thing by Samsung, especially as I previously owned an Acer that stopped working forever when the cat walked across the keyboard. I wanted to try removing and replacing the battery, but I was at a bar and somehow there was not a paper clip to be found in the whole establishment. Today, after the battery ran down and out, it did open ok and, saints (as below) be praised, my work was even saved.
Alright*, a new USCL season has arrived and here I am not having written anything two weeks in. I will try to make the best of it and write about football instead, partly in order to force myself back into the groove. I think in fact that I am completely off the vinyl disc. Here is what I (more or less) know about the National Football League (hereafter "NFL") today:
Eli Manning plays quarterback for the NY Giants.
Aaron Thompson plays quarterback for the Green Bay Packers, who won a Super Bowl in recent memory.
Drew Brees plays quarterback for the New Orleans Saints, who get paid for injuring opposing players, and who also won the Super Bowl in fairly recent memory.
Peyton Manning, Eli's older brother, plays quarterback for the Denver Broncos.
Aaron Hernandez has recently played tight end for the New England Patriots, but appears now to be a serial murderer, so his NFL future is iffy. Also, Tom Brady is the team's quarterback, and his wife makes more money than he does, and Bill Belichick, who cheats, is the head coach, and there is some media term relating to the team that is even more sick-making than "Red Sox Nation", but, saints (small i) be praised, it escapes me right now.
Mr. Flacco plays quarterback for the Baltimore Ravens, who I believe to be the current NFL champs.
San Francisco has a young quarterback named Kaepernick, or some such, who got some good ink late last season.
A. Peterson (Petersen? After this column, I get to check spelling) is a running back with Minnesota, is the current league MVP, I think, as well as a former Heismanist, I think.
Mr. Jones is another good running back, although there may be more than one of him.
RGIII is a young star whose fame threatens to eclipse that of RGII and RGI.
Tim Tebow doesn't play for anybody, and in fact no longer even doesn't play for anybody.
Rex Ryan is the head coach of the Jets, and has a kinky personal life. Tom Coughlin is the head coach of the Giants. And that's it, or very nearly it, excluding such things as the names of the teams, a touchdown is worth six points, etc.
Alright again. I'm not going to predict the order of finish for all the teams, because that's tedious and stupid, but will simply get on with picking week 1.
The first game on the schedule was Baltimore at Denver, and that was played two nights ago. However, I avoided learning the outcome long enough to make my official pick (you may discount it, but I am counting it), and that was to take Denver and lay the 7.5. I am normally averse to making such a pick, because 7.5 is basically a TD plus PAT, except that I lose if that's the margin. But since the over/under on the game is pretty high, I figure that weighs less than usual. Also, I imagine that with P Man at QB, Denver must be a pretty big passing team, and with weather still warm the receivers ought to be catching the ball better than in December.
Now, the rest, based on Wednesday's betting line, and without reading anything else in the paper that taint the purity of my ignorance. I do plan to learn more and more as the season progresses, though. Also (the rest now is written after last night's crash and this morning's recovery), I realize many games are underway**, but this is not a sports bar except one day every four years during the World Cup final, so I am as in the dark about them as about the games of the second Olympiad back in 772 BC (do you think Leonidas of Rhodes might have done it again?). Ok (again, it's later and things have changed), I am using Saturday's line because I can't find Wednesday's anymore.
JETS getting 3.5 over Tampa. It's week one, and I am sort of a Jet fan, or at least was 'til they left down. Call it kismet, since Joe Namath was the bottom (therefore, the one I saw first) card in the first pack of Topps football cards I ever bought, back in 1972.
COWBOYS giving three to the Giants. Giant fandom doesn't, IMO, go hand-in-hand with Yankee fandom*** the way Met and Jet do. My father liked the Yankees and the football Yankees, who evolved, if memory serves, into the KC Chiefs, though he didn't root for the Chiefs particularly.
BILLS getting 9.5 from the Patriots. The spread has actually grown by three from the opening line, and I don't think the betting public is actually that smart.
STEELERS giving seven to the Titans. I was asked by the enquiring photographer of a small local paper a few years ago who I was rooting for in the Super Bowl, and I said the Steelers (though I was actually rooting for the Cards), because I thought my pretended reason was more interesting: that the Steelers were a rare out-of-town team one could root for without being a front runner, because Pittsburgh is such an underdog sort of town.
SAINTS giving three to the Falcons. Didn't they win the Super Bowl not long ago? I don't remember big penalties being handed down after the bounty program came to light. I suspect bettors are getting carried away by their lingering feelings of outrage in backing Atlanta to the point of their being just the average three-point road dog.
Chiefs getting four from the JAGS. I still haven't forgotten the football Yankees.
BEARS giving three to the Bengals. How are Gale's knees doing?
BROWNS giving one to Miami. More underdog (in a municipal sense) sentiment. Again, it's week one, and I know nothing so far. I promise to use my head more in future weeks.
PANTHERS getting 3.5 from Seattle. No reason.
VIKINGS getting five from the Lions and Raiders getting ten from the COLTS, simply because the lines have moved a fair bit in both and again, I don't think the bettors are that smart.
RAMS giving 4.5 to Arizona. Football is not a desert sport.
Packers getting 4.5 from the NINERS. Sophomore jinx for Kaepernick.
Let me now just luxuriate in the leisure of picking Monday night on Sunday. Ok. Eagles getting 3.5 from the SKINS, because I may be part Penobscot Indian, and I'm offended. CHARGERS getting four from the Texans, because they have more experience as a franchise.
BEST BET: Study hard in school.
*I know "alright" is officially "incorrect" and I'm not so insecure that I'd normally bother even with explaining that but since it is the very first word I have blogged this year, it seems like too obvious an invite for a cheap putdown by some hater out there.
** "under weigh" is actually correct. Bet you didn't know that.
*** If I can't be a Yankee fan, what the hell am I doing in the Bronx?
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